An Unfortunate Epiphany

Who am I?

It's a question that's asked over and over again; in pop culture (constant theme in film e.g. The Amazing Spiderman last year), by teens, people in mid-life crises, or just people in general. Life, in brief, is the search for who we really are. And the simple act of living changes who we are, so a life fully lived is one where you may never find the answer. Kind of ironic, isn't it?

Many people figure out who they are at their basest level during college, or at least their early twenties, which means I'm smack dab in the middle of that period. I like to think I have myself pretty well figured out already; I know what I want in life, what makes me happy, why I do the things I do. Understanding one's own motivations is an important thing that I think a lot of people fail to reflect on. As an experiment try, for just one day, thinking about why you do the things you're doing. Even the little things. It may not be anything to you, but it could be enlightening. I've recently gone through some things that were definite learning experiences into who I am. Unfortunately one of these insights is that I am capable of being a very cold person.

I should rephrase: I'm capable of coming off as a very cold person. I've always been very contained and controlled, probably a result of growing up attending the symphony and being taken to some fairly fancy restaurants as a kid. My parents engendered in me the ability to be very quiet and restrained, which has served me well in my professional and academic careers. I've always been fairly introverted, so being an introspective individual in combination with that makes me come off as shyer than I even am. Combine these qualities with being upset, hurt, yet still caring deeply about the cause of the other two emotions and I'm ice cold. Apparently.

I've been lucky enough to work in customer service to work on my introvertedness and quietness, so I guess I'd pushed down these other qualities in myself. Certain people bring specific qualities out in us, and this individual apparently brings this out in me. I'm sure my apologies and explanations have fallen on deaf ears recently, and this person may not understand why they've been treated as such by me. While it's unfortunate that I've alienated said individual, maybe it's for the best. I can learn from my actions in this situation, and maybe now that I've fallen out of their good graces I can get myself together and move on. Because really, who am I? I may not know 100%, but I do know I am someone who will do my best to do the best I'm capable of for those around me. And I'm going to keep learning and trying to figure out who I am until I next change.